Dealer Keeping Expenses Low by Avoiding Holiday Gift Giving

UNIV of WASHINGTON - 3rd year dealer Evan Sloan is putting his big check sensibility into practice this season by foregoing needless expenditures like full retail pricing, professional gift wrapping, and the actual gifts themselves.

UNIV of WASHINGTON – 3rd year dealer Evan Sloan is putting his big check sensibility into practice this season by foregoing needless expenditures like full retail pricing, professional gift wrapping, and the actual gifts themselves.

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Dealer Goes Catatonic When Asked “How Was Your Summer?”

Transitions meeting not effective for first year David Bell who answers with, "I sold books door to door 80 hours a week... on a bike... in Texas..." and then becomes lost somewhere inside his own body.

Transitions meeting not effective for first year David Bell who answers with, “I sold books door to door… 80 hours a week… on a bike… in Texas…” and then becomes lost somewhere inside his own body, frozen behind a blank stare.

Study Finds Reading To Kids Great Way To Not Raise Criminals

Scientists find that spending quality time reading a book to a child will drastically reduce the chances of them becoming thieves, murderers

Scientific studies show that spending quality time reading books to a child will drastically reduce the chances of them growing up to become thieves, murderers

Dealer Envies Simplistic Life of Cow

MIDLAND, TX - First year Anna Black stopped for a few moments to ponder the stress-free and careless life of a cow that she swears was smiling. Sources say the cow will eventually be slaughtered for its meat and skin.

MIDLAND, TX – First year Anna Black stopped for a few moments today to ponder the stress-free and careless life of a grazing cow. Sources say the cow will eventually be slaughtered for its meat and skin.

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Local Residents Hold 5k For Dealer in Second Full Week of Deliveries

SAVANNAH, GA - Members of the community came together to show their support for dealer Sam Parks whom many are calling a "hero" for delivering to 30 customers a day for two straight weeks

SAVANNAH, GA – Members of the community and local alumni came together to show their support for dealer Sam Parks whom many are now calling a hero for delivering to over 30 customers a day for nearly two straight weeks.

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Persuasive dealer convinces host dad to swap roles with him for remainder of summer

AMES, IA - Host dad Lewis Burlington will be knocking for MTSU student Will King, as King spends the remainder of the summer as a systems analyst for an Ames manufacturing firm. According to sources, Burlington isn't wiping his feet when he goes for the bag.

AMES, IA – Host dad Lewis Burlington will be knocking for MTSU student Will King, as King spends the remainder of the summer as a systems analyst for an Ames manufacturing firm. According to sources, Burlington isn’t wiping his feet when he goes for the bag.

Frustrated First Year Can’t Even Get Families To Spread Bad PR About Him

LONDON, KY - Rookie salesperson Andre Rodriguez has been unable to get anyone to share a single word out about who is, what he's doing, or even how terrible his demo is.

LONDON, KY – Rookie salesperson Mike Rodriguez has been unable to get anyone to share a single word out about who is, what he’s doing, or even how terrible and sketchy his demo and pre-approach are.

Davis Rushed to Landers Plaza For Emergency Tweet

Davis, seen here moments prior to the crisis

Davis, seen here moments prior to the crisis

NASHVILLE – In an frantic episode of chaotic panic, company executives rushed Ryan Davis into the corporate offices today via police escort to send an emergency tweet out to the company’s near 1,500 followers. Sources indicated that the 136-character statement was said to be vital to the success and sustainability of the now 158 year old organization.

“Had this tweet not been published, our customers, employees, student dealers, sales management, the local media, associated press, mommy bloggers, campus officials, our alumni, hashtaggers, Beliebers, and internet trolls would not have had the critical knowledge necessary for accessing the now-available answer to the ever-pressing question on everyone’s mind – “How do I stay in touch with my child during the summer?”” noted Davis to the crowd of reporters and concerned onlookers who had gathered outside the company atrium for a short press conference.

“We were all alarmed this morning  knowing that this highly urgent information needed to reach the American public first, and then the international community, and we knew that devising and posting a carefully constructed tweet was the most effective and efficient way to reach all of our key audiences and demographics at once – letting each of them now be washed with a wave of understanding and awareness by visiting our newly updated FAQ list on the company website. I think everyone from a cold February D.A. to a lady in Illinois suspiciously opening an OL’s 8th bank account can all breathe a little easier and carry themselves with lighter hearts knowing that this imperative message has been received.”

At press time, Davis and company executives were holding a board meeting to discuss a strategic plan for addressing a questionable comment left on a YouTube video.

Sequester Hits PC Dinner: Entree Now Double-Decker PB&J, Side Salad

Double winners will be recognized with dinner rolls served at their table

Side salad first and last vegetables most dealers will have all summer

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