NASHVILLE – In an frantic episode of chaotic panic, company executives rushed Ryan Davis into the corporate offices today via police escort to send an emergency tweet out to the company’s near 1,500 followers. Sources indicated that the 136-character statement was said to be vital to the success and sustainability of the now 158 year old organization.
“Had this tweet not been published, our customers, employees, student dealers, sales management, the local media, associated press, mommy bloggers, campus officials, our alumni, hashtaggers, Beliebers, and internet trolls would not have had the critical knowledge necessary for accessing the now-available answer to the ever-pressing question on everyone’s mind – “How do I stay in touch with my child during the summer?”” noted Davis to the crowd of reporters and concerned onlookers who had gathered outside the company atrium for a short press conference.
“We were all alarmed this morning knowing that this highly urgent information needed to reach the American public first, and then the international community, and we knew that devising and posting a carefully constructed tweet was the most effective and efficient way to reach all of our key audiences and demographics at once – letting each of them now be washed with a wave of understanding and awareness by visiting our newly updated FAQ list on the company website. I think everyone from a cold February D.A. to a lady in Illinois suspiciously opening an OL’s 8th bank account can all breathe a little easier and carry themselves with lighter hearts knowing that this imperative message has been received.”
At press time, Davis and company executives were holding a board meeting to discuss a strategic plan for addressing a questionable comment left on a YouTube video.