Headlines

Urgent headlines that BFB reporters were too lazy to write actual articles on:

LIFE TIP: Thought control can make you a success or a failure. If you ever find your thoughts drifting towards loved ones or fond memories, coach yourself back into thinking about success. Never stop thinking about success. Otherwise you’ve failed.

COMING SOON: Sales School – where students are taught to control the controllables, focus on the focusables, close the closables, and generally just do the doables.

NEWSWIRE: Hilarious student manager pranks team with April Fools joke by telling them they’ll be selling in Illinois this summer, actually selling in Indiana

NEWSWIRE: Spencer Hays disappointed to learn that company is no longer selling Bibles; overheard asking, “Where am I supposed to get an affordable hardcover King James?”

NEWSWIRE: Local B-contract flips through Superstar Book wondering which student manager she’ll get to break up with someday

NEWSWIRE: Davis’ tweets fall flat on Sunday afternoon boat show crowd

NEWSWIRE: #1 First Year Freddie cancelled as McCroskey shatters award while practicing show’s opening dance routine.

BREAKING: Dealer caught snapchatting during Moore’s Life 101 talk

NEWSWIRE: Crowded elevator lines force dealer to carry luggage up 19 floors of Rennaisance stairwell

Best Blast-off HQ added to list of Freddies this year

NEWSWIRE: C-contract still trying to run credit card on weak MFWW from June 2011

NEWSWIRE: New study finds that 98% of the 19-21yr old adults you will recruit this school year will still require a parent visit, endorsement, and promise of continual communication before any summer plans will be finalized

NEWSWIRE: Entire company has back-to-back zero weeks, might need to be sent home

NEWSWIRE: School district representative stops by company just to check in, let them know what he’s doing around here

NEWSWIRE: Nation expected to collectively buy or not buy educational books next summer based on outcome of presidential election

That awkward moment when you bring a huge tub full of stuff up to someone who ordered a CD pack.

NEWSWIRE: Embarrassed Dealer to arrive at checkout next week with zero DAs for next summer

BREAKING: Sources confirm booktans still unattractive

NEWSWIRE: “We don’t buy door to door,” says area dad to dealer delivering wife’s ‘secret purchase’

NEWSWIRE: “Whoa! That’s a big book!” exclaims area mom stating the obvious

NEWSWIRE: Sources confirm Skwids Giraffe as “the Big Bird of the group”

NEWSWIRE: Groggy-headed high schooler unenthusiastic about being woken up for an encyclopedia demonstration

NEWSWIRE: College student home for summer willing to listen to sales pitch if parents won’t

NEWSWIRE: Exhausted Week 11 dealer unsuccessful at using success coin to purchase 4th red bull of the day

NEWSWIRE: Area dealers to set aside two Monday goal periods to think of ways to improve sales

NEWSWIRE: Week 9 Dealer’s business still profitable despite dog urine stained bookbag, tattered samples, rain soaked preapproach pad, dirty fingerprinted names sheet, gravel road residue covered slicks, child slobbered robotic calculator, and sweat salt lined fannypack

NEWSWIRE: ‘Cousins Week’ leaves Dealers feeling as if Company is running out of sales promotion ideas

BREAKING: Company realizes after 160 years it might be a good idea to just include the freight cost in the quoted price

NEWSWIRE: Student Manger reports high frequency of cowboy silhouettes and tree-face decorations today

NEWSWIRE: Local Dealer thinks Moms Week promotion seems a lot like Dads Week but with robotic calculator

NEWSWIRE: Pie In The Eye competition creates new excitement as dealers begin playfully expressing the unit focus they’ve been quietly hiding all summer

YOU ARE YOUR UNITS.

NEWSWIRE: Closing steps being recited aloud in bathroom stall at Landers Plaza sales school

BREAKING: Dealer’s shoes soaked with dew after walking through the Bell Family’s front yard

NEWSWIRE: Dealer reports unusually high frequency of decorative glass balls in Maryland yards today

NEWSWIRE: First year dealer feels swelling sense of pride upon first time placing two checks in after-hours depository

NEWSWIRE: Area dealer’s Sunday ruined entirely by irrational thoughts of Monday

CONFERENCE CALL TONIGHT – Topic: “How to mute your phone during a conference call”

NEWSWIRE: New local resident Cathy Hammonds excited about making the “cool moms list” so quickly

NEWSWIRE: Pam Steinner at 488 Foxwood Lane wants you to come back when she’s not so busy looking up fun recipes on Pinterest

NEWSWIRE: Deborah Chavez at 161 Maple Dr “saw them last year” referring to June 2011

NEWSWIRE: First Year in Cadillacs division surprised how few Cadillacs actually driven by stdnt mgrs, second guessing decision to bring one

BREAKING: B-manager overly concerned about FY getting fast food lunch on Monday of sales school, DSM McDonald to be informed of situation

BREAKING: First Year reports best week of career yet on week 1

NEWSWIRE: Unassuming First Year claps during silent cheer

Top story this morning: Dealer enthusiasm heightened upon recent installation of touchless paper towel dispensers in Landers Plaza restrooms

NEWSWIRE: Ground floor Landers Plaza employees creeped out by thin two-way mirrored window only thing separating desk and lone students practicing intense eye contact

BREAKING: Student manager instructs team to have 2 pens ready, notes taken could potentially melt first pen due to quality of content. Team member dangerously close to backing out over how stupid both joke and delivery were.

BREAKING: SW alum kinda like eh whatever

The BFB is now the internet’s leading site for partially fact-based door to door book selling news. Congrats to us, and thanks for reading!

NEWSWIRE: B-Contract disappointed to learn that DSM never sold a single book last summer

WEDNESDAY NEWSWIRE: Sources report Eagle/Blitz B-contract still in single digits on practice demos, everyone kind-of afraid to mention it to DSM Rau

PUBLIC RELATIONS ISSUES: Door-to-door book salesman comes by for 3 minutes once every 2 years

NEWSWIRE: SW announces ‘Take Your Parents To Work Day’ will be held on July 10 this summer

NEWSWIRE: Area student sets bar high for early champions by quitting mid-questionnaire during Econ class

NEWSWIRE: Full-time recruiter fantasizes about summer, being able to turn phone off all day

NEWSWIRE: Kentucky dealers growing unibrows in hopes of increasing production, blocking objections

NEWSWIRE: Studies showing that 100% of 1st day follow-ups beginning with phrase “I’ve been doing some research” by prospect end in spectacular, hilarious failure

GRS Dallas sessions to cover Easter recruiting, locating MIA team members post-spring break, & how to wear a cowboy hat in an info session

NEWSWIRE: Following Chicago, San Diego, Atlanta, SW holds weekly GRS Conference in Dallas

BREAKING: Atchison Newborn Starts Personal Team, Collects Her First Dealer Agreement

LOVE: Happy Valentines Day to all of you in Bookfield inspired relationships throughout the company. If you’re not in one, it’s because you’re not selling enough units.

NEWSWIRE: West coast managers reporting heavy weirdo screenings at info sessions today. Influx expected to hit campuses in the midwest by Wednesday

NEWSWIRE: FORCE division holding afternoon GRS PCs on the red wave runners, 1st floor

BREAKING: Sales School only 5 months away

BREAKING: SW nearly doubles company value after investing $2.5M into lotto tickets

NEWSWIRE: Member of JYD division having GRS hotel room party, bro; you should totally come

NEWSWIRE: Redline’s Erica Ohrazda announces middle finger is favorite finger to dial with during phone time

RECRUITING TIP: Hold additional one-on-one notebook interviews by creating e-harmony & match.com  dating profiles.

RECRUITING TIP: When floating, don’t run between prospects.

BREAKING: Confident Caleb Rich to create 20 available spots for personal team

NEWSWIRE: Congrats to Eagle/Blitz’s Jenny Nuut for receiving the winning GRS welcome binder containing the hidden FREE 2,000 UNITS SW Gift Card

NEWSWIRE: Force Sales Mgr Anthony Merkel to demonstrate the ‘Everywhere You Go Approach’ to hotel guests in Renaissance elevator #2 today, 4-6pm

BREAKING: DSM sucked into conveyer belt of PCs at GRS. No report yet of injuries.

RECRUITING TIP: Do 30 parent calls a day

NEWSWIRE: B-Contract excited to discover Lee McCroskey just as amusing as he was in sales school, begins taking notes

NEWSWIRE: 5th year manager knows where all the best restrooms are in GRS hotel & convention center

RENTALS: Success is never owned, it’s rented. And I’m renting out my success until after the new year. Great rates, location. Email me if you’re interested.

NEWSWIRE: Dealer sprinkling sand in sheets at home to feel as if still on Sizzler

NEWSWIRE: Dealer returns from Sizzler with everything except dignity

NEWSWIRE: English-only Dealer communicates with Sizzler hotel staff by talking louder, using hand gestures

NEWSWIRE: First year excited to ask everyone how many units they sold on Sizzler

NEWSWIRE: Landers Plaza chili cook-off leaves participants with variety of gastrointestinal situations

NEWSWIRE: Dealer takes an hour to self on Sunday reviewing fantasy football goals

RECRUITING TIP: Wait until you’ve established a certain level of trust with your team before going into detail about how many peanut butter & jelly sandwiches they’re going to eat.

NEWSWIRE: UNITS

SALES TIP: People love having their cake and eating it too. So when someone gives you an objection, just tell them to do their objection AND what you’re suggesting/offering.

NEWSWIRE: SW producing political alumni for the nation to argue over since 1855

NEWSWIRE: Burgundy Handbooks, blue VLs become hipsters’ SW Advantage

NEWSWIRE: Successful people reading successful success quotes successfully

NEWSWIRE: DSM returns home to find all items in refrigerator 2 years past expiration date

SUCCESS TIP: The second you look in the mirror and you’re happy with what you see, you just lost the battle

SUCCESS TIP: Are you constantly thinking about success? If not, then you’ve already failed

CAMPUS TIPS: Remember, no more than 20 minutes at a time with your friends back at school

SALES TIPS: Is your mind already back at school from a case of the end of summer blahs? Regain that burning desire with an intense unit focus

BREAKING: BFB achieves Wall of Greats times 1,000 passing 20,000 web hits

BREAKING: BFB Mistakenly Counts 3,000 Weak Hits as Strong, Actually Delivers 17,000 Web Hits

SALES TIPS: Successful people are winners. Average people are losers. Remind them of that.

SALES TIPS: Selling isn’t about the sales. It’s about selling people on how it’s not about the sales.

NEWSWIRE: Mike Ford logs-on frumpy woman in pink shorts

SALES TIPS: If you’re a corporate recruiter, remind Betty Backout that you need the money to pay for school

SALES TIPS: If your demo is going poorly, the best way to turn it around is to drop to the ground and do push-ups or start doing the funky chicken. Also trial close.

DELIVERY TIPS: Before you volunteer to lookup the Battle of Bunker Hill for Mrs. Jones in the index, make sure it’s actually in the books.

SALES TIPS: If you knock and no one answers, knock a 2nd 3rd and 4th time

SALES TIPS: Wait until the end of the summer to sell the bag. Otherwise you’ll have to carry all the samples in your hands.

BIG CHECK TIPS: Samples are durable enough to last all summer. Don’t waste your money buying new ones from the supply guy.

SALES TIPS: Different colors of highlighters for different types of prospects. That’s what separates the Top Producers.

SALES TIPS: No garage and empty driveway means they’re not home, Genius.

BREAKING: Dealer Wouldn’t Trade Friendship With Mrs Jones For Whole Bushel Basket of Books

SALES TIPS: Get out of your comfort zone by raising the price $100 on everything you sell this week.

SALES TIPS: Use Positive Self-Talk: “I will sell something to every customer today.”

SALES TIPS: Your face can communicate a lot to your prospects. Especially the mouth part of your face.

SALES TIPS: Try to sell as much as you can on sunny days instead of the rainy ones. Rain is bad for books.

SALES TIPS: The ‘Knock-Knock-Kn-Knock-Knock’ knock is the most effective knock to get a prospect to answer their door.

SALES TIPS: Answer the money objection by reminding your prospects that they can just make more money.

SALES TIPS: Is it hot as hell where you’re selling? Think about winter and how cold it is.

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One thought on “Headlines

  1. Anonymous says:

    CONFERENCE CALL TONIGHT – Topic: “How to mute your phone during a conference call”

    Wayyyyyy to funny! Love this! Keep rocking out!

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