FLORIDA – In a press conference today, company officials announced that Eagle/Blitz director Mark Rau will have all of his career sales and recruiting awards taken away upon new allegations that point to him being a fan of Lance Armstrong.
Damaging evidence was presented in a report today such as the poster of Armstrong that Rau keeps on his office door suggesting that Rau likely admires the cyclist. Critics say that being a devout Armstrong fan could very well mean that Rau achieved awards throughout his career such as Gold Seal Gold, Top First Year, Big Check, and Cornerstone Awards by perhaps using performance-enhancing cremes or something similar to whatever Armstong is being accused of using.
“At the moment Rau hasn’t admitted to anything, yet all the evidence is there in this report that he is an Armstrong fan,” noted the official company report.
While Armstrong-fan allegations have followed the 41-year-old sales director throughout much of his career, the company report has brought on a cavalcade of questioning as to what other athletes Rau admires such as Barry Bonds, Andre Agassi, or Michael Phelps.
The report does however contain a silver-lining for Rau, noting that if he successfully passes a series of blood tests over the next 6 months that he will be able to keep his telescopic pen and robotic calculator.