LANDERS PLAZA – Top executives for the Southwest Advantages Company announced in a press conference this morning that they would be “dumbing down” the sales presentation for 2012. Company officials began noticing a concerning trend occurring in 2010 when certain aspects of the sales talk seemed to no longer resonate with today’s generation of half wit dealers giving it, or with the even younger generation of A.D.D. clownbrains listening to it.
Sources indicated that SW executives noticed the trends growing increasingly worse in 2011, and knew that some strategic changes needed to be made.
“In 2012, our sales talk will feature many more run-on sentences, as few paragraphs as possible, and we are trying to eliminate any words that have more than three syllables,” explained sales manager Lester Crafton. “We’ve also heavily peppered the words ‘like’ and ‘whatever’ throughout the presentation so that dealers and their prospects’ children can better connect.”
Marketing Department representative Tabitha Taylor explained to reporters that every dealer will also be given a slick featuring shiny pictures of Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga in order to quickly establish rapport.
Company executives are highly optimistic about the new shortened sales talk in that it will keep presentations faster allowing dealers to visit more families and in turn sell more products.
Make friends: show Beiber & Gaga slick, talk about favorite LMFAO song, whatevs
Talk about book: “Like, u know when ur like texting or whatevs but u have to do homework and ur like barf and mom is all mehmehmeh u kno? It’s like, ugh! So what this is for is when like, u want to know how to do stuff or whatevs, but u don’t want it to take long and u can get it done faster so u can watch Jersey Shore or like, whatevs. U know?”
Talk about “No” first: “So like, just tell me yes or no after, K? LOL”
Show book: “So like, this is the book and stuff and what the pages say and it has all the grades and school topics and there’s a totally awesome website that goes with it and CDs u can do! U’ll be all like OMG when ur homework is done fast. Totes?”
Say the price: “Like, this isn’t as much as some stuff too it’s like, less. One mom was like lolllz and got it and I was like ROFLing”
Get them to sign order: Show Beiber & Gaga slick again and say, “So, cool?”
If they say no: “OMG WTF?”
Get money: “So, like, check or whatevs?”
Ask who to see next: “So, who are ur BFFs?”
Do again at next house.