Landers Plaza Battles Snake Infestation


A 3 foot Fox Snake seen here in the company auditorium

NASHVILLE – Resulting in an afternoon of employee complaints, Landers Plaza has become overrun with snakes. According to sources, the “museum” of company history located in the main atrium was to be expanded on its back side to also include a large terrarium, featuring over 100 species of snakes and reptiles. The intent was to boost the overall corporate camaraderie by providing a fascinating conversation piece, and to “wow” clients and visitors who visit the company headquarters.

The cause of the infestation seems to have resulted from a faulty latch on the carton in which the snakes were delivered this morning.

“We probably shouldn’t have delivered the snakes as early as we did considering construction hasn’t even begun yet on the terrarium. So that big carton of snakes was just sitting there in the lunch area, and I guess they just got out,” explained reptile delivery man Hugh Williams. “And it sure didn’t take long before they were all over the building. Tell ya what, them things move quick.”

According to sources, the last time the company saw a comparable problem of this nature was the in the summer of 1999 when a pack of wolves wandered into the building.

Connie Buchanan of Dealer Services remembers the wolf problem vividly, and voiced her disapproval of the new snake infestation to reporters saying, “It’s really inconvenient opening your desk drawer to find a cottonmouth, then having to ride the elevators with rattlesnakes and pythons. And I don’t want to take the stairs either, it’s three flights. Plus there’s a bunch of wild cobras in there last I looked.”

snake“I saw a group of coral snakes in the restroom,” added Shayne Merrick of Career Services. “They just came out of nowhere while I was washing my hands. I had to stand up on the sinks for over an hour. And if that wasn’t bad enough, when I finally got back to my office a big boa constrictor was on my desk, so there went all my calls for the rest of the day,” noted a lightheaded feverish Merrick, nursing a Black Mamba bite from earlier in the day.

Late this afternoon, Chief Random Task Director Jack Wood updated reporters while tightening his sweat-soaked tourniquets on all four limbs saying, “We seem to have found a solution. The Ask Me volume ‘Can Lizards Disappear?: Reptiles & Birds’ says that birds eat snakes so first thing tomorrow morning we’re planning on releasing a dozen falcons, hawks, and eagles, as well as a family of honey badgers into the building.”

At press time, the building had become surrounded by ambulances and medical helicopters.

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