Sqwids Becoming Self-Aware

INTERNET – In what looks to potentially be an unsettling turn of events, new children’s website Sqwids is showing repeated indications of reaching self-awareness. Customer service phones have been ringing more frequently by the day with concerned parents asking why their computer is turning on in the middle of the night and logging on.

“Our oldest was clicking through the site again this afternoon when one of the cartoon characters started mentioning information that it shouldn’t have known,” recalled Kansas homemaker Tonya Barr. “One minute it was talking about how math problems can be fun, but then it started asking Eric overly specific examples from our home saying, ‘If you take 3 of those candlesticks off the dinner table behind you, and leave 2, how many candlesticks did your mom Tonya have out to begin with?’ and he guessed correctly and the character said, ‘Correct! Maybe she’ll light them while you guys eat spaghetti tonight.’ which was what I was cooking. It was all very strange.”

The company IT department has said that this scenario was in fact a risky possibility that had presented itself going into the initial research and development of Sqwids. The IT department went on to explain the volatile situation saying, “When you create a website with multiple characters who work together, and we simultaneously upload massive amounts of educationally interactive material, the data and coding can start to converge and further develop into a system that, with time, begins to eventually teach itself new information. Once the programming shows signs of going down that road, there’s not much hope.”

As of this 8:00am this morning, company intranet showed signs of being hacked by Sqwids, potentially putting thousands of dealer’s business accounts and personal information in jeopardy.

“We are assessing the situation and considering all the new information as it is presented to us,” stated Trey Campbell at a press conference this afternoon adding, “So far we’ve had less than 10 dealers report that Sqwids had made its way into their smartphones, and less than half of those dealers have received threatening voicemails or texts from Sqwids expressing its anger over why the dealer did not log-on more customers this summer.”

First Year dealer Ally Reith showed reporters her phone that had received an alarming text from 759-437 (SQW-IDS) that read “SQWIDS HUNGRY 010101 ALLY LOGON MORE CUSTOMER010101.”

Other customers such as Hillary Lewis (Michigan) went on to tell reporters of a night last week when the site pulled itself up and began playing a learning song at full volume at 7:59pm, and again at 4:37am, 7:59am, 4:37pm, 7:59pm, and continued at exactly those same times until Lewis unplugged the computer. Eerily, those times match exactly to the phone number the untraceable Sqwids texts were coming from that dealers have been receiving.

Campbell went on to express his concerns saying, “Our fear is that we will be unable to simply ‘unplug’ Sqwids and that its intelligence will overtake not only our company computers, but also customers’ computers, linking up an international feeding network gathering educational information off of students’ home computers — collecting their reports, papers, saved homework files. After consuming all of that data, there’s no way to predict what kind of damage could be done — both domestically and internationally.”

At press time, the voice of Sqwids lead character Lexi had changed from a spunky feminine pitch to a much deeper digitized tone.


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