Dan Cumming Dead At 25yrs, Autopsy Cites Satisfieditis

Dan Cumming: 2/25/1986 – 8/9/2011

SOUTH CAROLINA – The door to door sales world was in shock this morning when word was released that top producer Dan Cumming, a seasoned salesman, was found deceased in his parked car located in a middle class cookie-cutter culdesac in his sales territory.

Cumming’s body was taken to the regional hospital where the autopsy revealed that Cumming had suffered a severe case of Satisfieditis just minutes before his passing.

According to Tammy Winters, a homemaker and resident of the culdesac where Cumming was found, his approach, presentation, and close all seemed to be what she described as “mediocre” and “half-hearted.”

Dealers company-wide are sending their sympathy and well-wishes to the remaining members of Cumming’s now-orphaned org.

Josh Kotecki told reporters that, “This unfortunate news is just another unpleasant reminder that celebrating the fruits of your labor is the first step to failure,” adding, “I hope those I’m close with hold me accountable to never enjoying the results of doing my personal best, as that’s just a recipe for professional disaster. You’ve gotta stay hungry. You just have to.”

Fellow SW Org Leaders told reporters that his focus has been re-awakened saying, “I’m centered once again on a masochistic mentality of self-deprecation and cultivating feelings of professional inadequacy to use them to motivate myself into a true level of top producing success. It’ll feel good at checkout.”

DSM and fellow University of Richmond alum Brandon Devlin told reporters, “Dan studied philosophy at Richmond, and as a great philosopher once said, ‘Curiosity killed the cat’ and now satisfieditis has killed Dan Cumming. Is that the same thing? Either way, we’re losing a lot of dealers this summer. If not satisfieditis, the heat probably would’ve taken him out anyway. No kidding, South Carolina in August — you’ve gotta be a freakin’ superhero to sell through that.”

Cumming is survived by his beloved cat Whiskers.

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One thought on “Dan Cumming Dead At 25yrs, Autopsy Cites Satisfieditis

  1. tina says:

    “middle class cookie-cutter culdesac”? hahaha…. does dan even know what that looks like? that should say, “corn field, dirt road, double wide, and four wheelers”…..

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