AMERICA – Company sales dropped dramatically this week as over 500 student dealers were found dead in their sales localities due to various types of heat-related deaths. Most of the dead bodies were found to be students in the Virginia and Maryland areas, as well as the Illinois and Indiana regions. Just minutes before his demise, student manager Chase Williams told local Maryland reporters that although the heat index was 121 degrees, he was “unstoppable” and “the hotter it gets, the harder [he] works!”
Currently grasping to life in a Northern Virginia ICU is severe heat stroke victim and sales manager Mike Ford, whose entire sales base is now deceased. Ford was unavailable for comment as he was dipping in and out of a mild coma, but will be informed that he will have to start building his sales base again from scratch this fall.
The Company issued a statement today calling the events “unfortunate” explaining that with over 35% of their entire sales force now dead, they will start focusing their efforts immediately on promoting the ‘I Wanna Win’ keychain that surviving dealers will be eligible for, given they live through the rest of the summer and have their best week one of their last two weeks.
“Delivery Week counts toward winning the keychain too,” explained sales manager Brandon Devlin on a weekly conference call adding, “Any of you who are still alive, and not in the ER, can win this prestigious keychain award. Find an excuse or find a way.”