Pets Hold Press Conference, Apologize For Inappropriate Behavior

Oscar preparing to address the crowd

WASHINGTON, DC  –  In a national press conference held on Capitol Hill today, pet representatives from across the country gathered to discuss the upcoming summer and to reconcile with disenchanted Dealers. Representing the canines was Oscar, a beagle from Ohio, who felt that reparations must somehow be given to Dealers who’s approaches and presentations are absolutely ruined from the incessant barking, howling, growling, and jumping by dogs of all cultures and ethnicities; a loss of an estimated $11.5 million that Dealers collectively miss out on each and every summer.

“Our reputation has gone from bad to worse, and we realize that a lot of it has to do with the Daschunds, or as you humans call them – “weiner dogs,” stated Oscar. “There’s just no excuse for our behavior, especially here in America where we have yards to run in, squeak toys to chew on, and clean toilets to drink from. We’ve lost sight of how great we have it.”

Buster addressing the crowd of reporters

Fellow canine Buster from Houston, TX took personal responsibility by reflecting on moments during his youth nearly 7 years ago (11 months) stating, “Dealers would be approaching my owners, and I would take pleasure in being as loud and obnoxious as possible. They each would get so annoyed to the point that they would both leave the situation feeling angry… and I did it  just because I could.”

Charles taking questions about rural pets’ behavior

Charles, a pony from Illinois, came to represent his breed and voice their support for what’s being called Pet Reform. Charles’ home state of Illinois recently announced plans for a $1.8 billion overhaul of animal shelter education programs, as well as reinstating punishments such as being hit with a newspaper for serious offenses.

Buster continued adding, “We hope to make 2011 a year of reconciliation. We’ve broken a lot of trust with Dealers over the years by peeing on their bags and car tires and jumping on them with muddy paws first thing in the morning, and we hope that this is the first step in a new direction.”

Socks The Cat took to the podium as well vowing that the felines from his home state of Nebraska would do their best to not rub themselves up against Dealers’ sweaty legs while they are approaching during the late afternoons in July. “Also, if you leave your car windows down, we pledge to not jump inside and browse around even though we’re very curious by nature,” explained Socks.

The general consensus was that the press conference seemed to go over well with humans and that they would even overlook the minor hiccup that occurred when Duke, a black lab from Indiana, pooped on the carpet in the back of the room.

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