Dealers Threaten Strike, Summer In Jeopardy

NASHVILLE  –  Negotiations continue this week at company headquarters between Organization Leaders and executive board members. Both sides have presented their cases and now it comes down to a complex series of negotiations as to whether or not the summer will happen, or if Dealers will remain in a lockout causing families across the country to be left with empty porches this year.

The company stands to lose over $50M if the Association of United Dealers do not agree to the  terms. However, the AUD stands to miss out on valuable life skills learned while running their own businesses, seeing new parts of the country, new friendships, various amounts of personal growth, and pay based on how many units they produce.

Cumming – seen here needing a raise

“I’m ok with the pay agreement because I work really hard and smart and make a [expletive]-ton of money as a result,” noted OL Dan Cumming, “but it’s some of the other stuff I’m just over – like the 3:00 roll. Seriously? Get real.  As if doing cartwheels everyday at 3pm was the reason I had the spare coin to go on a kickass trip through Europe last fall.”

The company has agreed to OL requests in the past such as the removal of phrases in the Delivery Manual CREW section like, “Mrs Jones, I wouldn’t trade our friendship for a whole bushel basket of these books.”

Campbell – seen here prank calling Ralph Brigham

When reached for comment, company representative Trey Campbell feels that the board’s requests seem “reasonable” and that “Dealers need to consider other factors in play.”

“We’ve asked that Dealers do not throw cats onto the roof of houses that aren’t home, turn you cars around in the street instead of driving through Mrs. Jones’ front lawn, and to please stop giving out my home telephone number to unhappy people at the door,” noted Campbell.

So far, the executive board and the dealers have been able to agree on the following terms:

  • Alums receive 50% off purchases as long as they give you a cold drink
  • If a customer knows Dan Moore personally they get a free SWedge subscription
  • Being a ‘walker’ sucks, find a car or at least a bike
  • No more of those black bags, no one uses them
  • If Conway Freight screws up your delivery shipment – free Sizzler
  • Everyone who hits President’s Club gets to be President for a day, same applies to Chairman’s Club
  • The I Wanna Win Award will be a hot-air balloon ride with the CEO

Other items yet to be agreed upon:

  • Whether or not order books should cost as much as a full set of Advantage
  • How and where to throw away all the empty boxes after deliveries
  • How much partying is appropriate at checkout in relation to your summer production
  • OLs working 100+ hrs/week get company expense account and psychiatrist
  • Moms named ‘Tammy’ — always buy or waste of time?
  • Frequency of rainy days, flat tires, obnoxious kids, bounced checks, blue lights, and dogs that jump on you

4 thoughts on “Dealers Threaten Strike, Summer In Jeopardy

  1. Amy LaVallie says:

    I like the OL expense account and Pres for a day haha.

  2. Madis Poldsaar says:

    I’m just curious… How many cases are presented by European dealers for negotiations… If so, what kind?

  3. Dan "The Second" Cumming says:

    One thing I forgot to say, I think cold showers suck. Why can’t we at SWDA just start it off luke-warm and at the very least ease into it?

  4. Trey Campbell, APR says:

    Wow! These negotiations are leaving me with a headache!

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