TYLER, TX – A number of regular breakfast guests in D’s Royal Coffee Shop, a downtown Tyler diner, have been voicing their opinions about the morning bathroom habits of several college students this summer. Two dealers, first year Jake Lappi and student manager Luke Filipos, chose D’s as their summer breakfast spot in May 2010, when they first moved into their headquarters a few blocks away. Unfortunately, despite the students‘ jovial attitudes and kind-hearted spirits in the morning, several Tyler natives who frequent the diner are getting fed up with Luke and Jake’s daily bowel movements in the diner’s lone bathroom.
“I mean it’s like every morning, at exactly 7:15, the blonde-haired one makes his way to the toilet, followed immediately by the darker-skinned one,” said Gary Moats, a 56 year-old oil rig worker whose kids have already graduated. “It’s like clockwork!”
One area pig farmer, who wanted to remain anonymous, even chimed in about the odor: “Seriously, how’m I supposed to eat my biscuits ‘n gravy when all I can smell is their feces? I’m used to bad smells – from the sow stalls and what have yeh – but my seat at D’s is about 6 or 7 steps from that there bathroom door. And there ain’t no fan neither.”
When asked about their digestive habits, Luke and Jake were surprised to find out that other guests had been complaining.
“Wait, really?” Luke asked, pausing from filling out his order pad. “That one guy Jerry is a total BAMF, we’re cool with him. And the farmer guy, I’m pretty sure his sister bought the handbooks from me for her son Dalton. You know, the quarterback for Robert E. Lee? Yeah he got these.”
Jake explained that he and his roommate for the summer had simply gotten onto a “bio-schedule” and that they couldn’t help it. “I mean when we first got to Tyler, I didn’t go number 2 for a week, but now it’s like, as soon as I eat my last pancake it just hits me. Besides, I don’t like asking Mrs. Jones to go in her bathroom; especially first thing in the morning.”
Head waitresses, Cindy (pictured), told reporters between cigarettes that she didn’t foresee the smelly bathroom being much of a problem anymore because, “One of those boys don’ stopped up the commode” and that it would “prolly take a couple o’ weeks to get someone in here to fix it.” She and her coworkers surmised that the boys may have moved onto a different breakfast spot by then, in order to find one with a functioning toilet.